This is the stuff I don’t want to talk about. But if I am supposed to be open and honest with you, and myself, I must also write about the gross ugly things. The things that make me cringe even just thinking about them.
There is a corner of my living room where the three-seat-sofa sits next to the window and the radiator. Opposite the TV, and behind the dining area. That’s where I live. I do most of my writing there, playing games on the playstation, watching TV, and reading. That’s usually where I’m planted after dinner until bed time. It’s not a great habit, but there are worse ones.
For the past few months I’ve been lighting candles, grabbing a non-alcoholic beer or a warm cup of bedtime tea and cosying up with the living room duvet.
However, for the last 3-4 days or so, it has deteriorated quite a bit.
You see, before it became my cosy corner, it was my Depression Corner. It’s where I would rot, eat garbage, ignore my duties, drink copious amounts of wine and generally just feel bad about myself.
And today, when I woke up late, as I’d been at a wedding last night, I sat down in that corner, had chocolate and chips for breakfast that I bought last night on my way home, and turned on the TV. And then I stayed there for three hours, after which I went back to bed to sleep a little longer.
I then got up after a 30-minute nap, went into the living room and saw what was happening. Depression Corner was back. Couch disheveled and covered in wrappers. Pepsi and beer cans stacked in the windowsill, the TV paused.
It was quite a shock but not something that surprised me. I’ve been in a downward spiral for about a week now.
It could be the fact that I haven’t been able to exercise on account of my toe that requires a small procedure. It could be that I’m overdue for a call from my psychiatrist. It could be the fact I’ve been fighting with the health care system to get payment participation on a very expensive medication I am on. It could also just be the fact that I’m not living in the simple bubble that summer provided for me to start my healing.
Another thing that helped me realize what was happening was that I spent a lot of yesterday’s wedding feeling sorry for myself. This was my childhood best friend whom I don’t talk to much these days but still absolutely adore. But I was jealous of the amount of close friends they have. And I wished I had also had a dad to dance with at my wedding. Mine didn’t even congratulate me on my wedding day.
Anyways, no reason to get myself back into that headspace. God, Luc, chill out. Be cool.
So here I am, facing my first proper spiral after starting this journey.
Now I have a choice.
I can sit and wait for it to pass. This probably means indulging in further harmful habits until I finally have enough again.
Or I can take steps to ensure this spiral evens out and I can climb back out of the hole.
I plan to do the latter.
I don’t have a plan yet, other than eating a nutritious dinner and taking a long warm everything-shower. But I’ll figure it out and get out of this.
The one thing I never completely lost was hope, even though it was barely even a flicker in the dark sometimes. Even at my absolute worst I managed to go to urgent care and get help because I needed to believe there was something more to this life than endless doom and gloom.
I’m currently forcing myself to do things that might help. It’s difficult. Writing is one of them.
Don’t get me wrong. Being here for the millionth time isn’t encouraging. I keep asking myself if this is just how it’s always going to be? Am I always going to be falling into these slumps and spirals, hitting a freshly made rock bottom every time?
I try not to think about it. But sometimes I can’t help it.
In a rushing river of emotions, I’m dangling on the edge of the waterfall right now.
Will I be able to pull myself up, or will my grip weaken?
To be continued, I guess.
– Luc
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